Dirty Talk Gardening

19/10/2024

As the curator of what can only be described as a thriving wildlife garden*, I'll see your fancy birds and bees and I'll raise you a bunch of flies. The unsung heroes of the pollination community. They say you can't catch flies with vinegar, so this Ceratopetalum 'Rubies 'n' Lace' will have to do.

These Once-Were-Maggots are often overlooked by gardeners looking to improve crops. It's not all about bees, man! Quit talkin' about the bees, dude! Flies are active for longer in the year, buzzing around during cooler months when the honey bee is noticeably absent. They're putting in the hours. Gritty. Determined. Getting that bread or whatever it is the kids say these days.

Thank a fly today!

*as long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions.

20/09/2024

Usually it bothers me to see a newly-planted garden going to absolute s**t from w**ds and neglect, but in this case I am almost willing to give the owners a pass. Because sticking your soft little mittens into a field of cactus spines is only going to result in one thing: PAIN.

Which is why I recommend making the cactus w**ding job your kid's summer pocket money gig! Zooper Doopers for all!

16/07/2024

"Senile coconuts."

Over-productive coconut trees pose safety risk in North Queensland as 'senile' plantations frustrate Pacific farmersABC Rural / By Lucy CooperPosted Sun 14 Jul 2024 at 9:56pmSunday 14 Jul 2024 at 9:56pmSun 14 Jul 2024 at 9:56pm Coconut trees are not wood — they are a biological fibre material, lik...

06/07/2024

Q) What do gardeners and those with stubborn digestive tracts have in common?

A) Pruning.

Alright, alright. Settle down! We're talking FORMATIVE pruning.

This is the process of shaping a tree when it's young. 1-5 years old or thereabouts. Before the tree has reached a size where removing branches is suddenly a major undertaking. There are many reasons why formative pruning is recommended:

- When the branches are small, the cuts, and therefore wounds, will be small. (Jeez, check out Einstein over 'ere!) Small cuts heal faster, and have a lower risk of infection.

- You can establish a good framework of branches to suit your tree's intended purpose: eg. perhaps you want to create a low and open branching structure in a fruit tree, or create a single trunk for a narrow space.

- You can eliminate poorly-growing branches that are likely to cause some serious issues as the tree matures.

And this last reason brings me to this Olive. A primo example of a terrible branch structure that will only get worse over time: codominant stems. This is two or more stems of roughly the same diameter, forming from the same point on the trunk.

See these two stems growing parallel to each other? Like all of Rupert Murdoch's recent marriages, this is a very weak union, doomed to failure. See the crevice in-between them? This is what you call an included union, where the bark is folded inside, or 'ingrown'. Over time, as the branches develop, they will push each other apart and split in twain. (More William Tell's apple, less Shania.)

A tasty visual representation of co-dominant stems with included bark is the Chinese Cruller/Youtiao/Oil Sticks. Two delectable stems of roughly equal size with a weak, ingrown, bready union. Very easy to tear them apart and dip them in condensed milk.. Err, what was I saying again?

Oh yeah.. So, if you see a structure like this on a young tree at a nursery, avoid it! Ideally, a tree like this would never be for sale. However, one may slip through quality control and end up in your garden. So while the offending branches are small enough to be easily snipped off without the use of a chainsaw, save yourself some future pain and carry out a little formative pruning of your own.

29/06/2024

Sure, the nights are cold, but there's a gardener out there doing their best to warm us all up with their red hot, err...expertise???

And in me best winter spirit, today's "Well, At Least They Tried" award goes to whichever legend got out there recently and put their hedging skills to the test.

Now, I've seen a lot of hedges and topiaries in my time, but this is a Dirty Talk first: Hedged Turf Runners That Had Grown Over The Original Shrubs.

A magnificent border? Not really. A masterful job? Dreaming. A great laff? Hot dog - we have a Weiner!

04/05/2024

The next time anyone has a whinge about a couple of holes in the leaves of their plant, I'm showing 'em this as a reminder that things could always be worse. Also, that Lily Caterpillars give not a singular f**k about your beloved, long-established, oft photographed Clivia patches.

I will be offering a crisp $10* note to anyone who has a nap in this cocoon-infested bed of horrors.**

*you read that right. Ten whole dollarydoos.

**reading this sentence voids offer.

05/04/2024

Tiles. The second most popular thing to whip after cream.

National competition has goal of helping Netherlands reach environmental targets by removing garden paving

04/04/2024

***THIS IS NOT A LATE APRIL FOOL'S DAY JOKE. SOMEONE OUT THERE IS WATERING AND METICULOUSLY LOOKING AFTER AGAPANTHUS.

While I don't normally fall into the trap of clickbait articles (although I WOULD like to know what my Vacuum Cleaner Brand says about me,) I couldn't go past this red-hot piece of investigative journalism.

Of all the plants you could be devoting your time and resources to, WHY a species that is regarded as an environmental w**d??

https://au.news.yahoo.com/retiree-facing-7600-council-fine-over-meticulously-looked-after-plants-220909474.html

04/04/2024

If you've ever wondered what happens if you just leave a Zucchini on the plant (errr, deliberately, for observational purposes. I didn't forget about it, I swear!), THIS is what happens.

This thing is well past eating. It would be tougher than a truck-stop roast and as bitter as the '89 Balmain Tigers.

So, this whopping Cocozelle is next year's seeds now!

04/04/2024

I know how much everyone loves writhing masses of things, so hopefully today's post doesn't disappoint!

I stumbled across this thriving community of caterpillars, specifically the caterpillars of the White Cedar Moth (Leptocneria reducta), going TO TOWN on this White Cedar (Melia azedarach). Aptly named, much?

These trees are native to many parts of Australia. They're a little w**dy in places but have a great fragrance. Enuff about the trees, what's with the 'pillars?!

These are what you call communal caterpillars, defoliating one White Cedar then moving as a group in search of another.

They have hairy bodies which can be irritating to the skin if touched.

They move FAST.

They invade houses, cars, sheds, nooks, crannies when they're on the march to their next tree.

There are all manners of techniques to control them, but personally, I like the cut of their jib.

Onwards, comrades!

21/02/2024

They're pretty old, I guess.

Millions of years ago, widespread volcano eruptions in eastern Australia buried entire forests. Today, these time capsules reveal stunningly fossilised plants.

17/02/2024

Dinner Plate Fig? Somebody at the Department of Layman's Plant Names needs to take a good long hard look at themselves in the mirror, because this Ficus dammaropsis is putting out Boogie Boards! (Dinner plate and full-size geetar for scale.)