09/10/2026
I need to be honest about something today.
There are days when I am seizure-free… but I am not okay.
There are days when epilepsy takes every ounce of energy I have without anyone ever seeing why.
I can wake up and look completely fine. I can smile. I can laugh. I can even get some things done.
But inside, my brain can feel like it has run a marathon.
Sometimes the simplest things—cooking, cleaning, getting dressed, answering messages, making a video, carrying on a normal conversation—can leave me completely exhausted.
And sometimes I push myself because I don’t want epilepsy to dictate my life.
I want to cook.
I want to create.
I want to talk to all of you.
I want to answer every comment and message.
I want to be present for my family and friends.
I want to be ME.
But sometimes my brain and my body simply say, “Not today.”
And that’s a hard thing to accept.
Because when people can’t see what you’re fighting, it’s easy for them to assume you’re okay.
But epilepsy doesn’t clock out just because I haven’t had a seizure.
There is a mental exhaustion that can come with constantly having your brain work harder than it should. There are days when concentrating, processing information, staying focused, or simply getting through ordinary tasks can feel incredibly draining.
And sometimes I overdo it.
I push through because I have things I want to accomplish.
I push through because I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
I push through because I miss the person I was before epilepsy became part of my everyday life.
And then suddenly…
I’m empty.
No energy.
No motivation.
No ability to give anything more.
And sometimes I need to sit in my recliner, wrap myself in something warm, turn the lights down, light a few candles, and just be still.
Not because I’m giving up.
Because I’m trying to recharge.
💜 REST IS NOT QUITTING.
I came out here with Johnny on this new onsite to try and reset my nervous system, in hopes that a change of scenery would help me. I became so deeply depressed after my diagnosis and felt a huge loss of independence.
I lost my dad when I was 28, our oldest daughter is 25… I needed to see that if I do not take care of myself, and put my health first, the chance of me leaving this world was a possibility.
I’m not looking for pity or attention, but I am the one who wanted or share my life with y’all, to build a community. One day my kids will have little videos they can come back to and see and watch and hear mine and Johnnys voices. I haven’t heard my dad’s voice in almost 20 years.
This is part of who I am now and I do have to accept that and I have to adjust and learn to live with this, and listen to my body.
If I disappear for a little while, please don’t think I’ve forgotten about you.
If I don’t respond to a message…
If I don’t post…
If I’m not interacting like I normally do…
Please know that I still love you.
My social media community means more to me than I can put into words.
You started as followers, but so many of you have become friends, supporters, encouragers, and honestly… my extended family. ❤️
You have cheered me on through my cooking, my crazy days, my good days, my hard days, and now this new chapter of my life.
And I don’t ever want my quiet moments to make you think I don’t appreciate you.
I do. More than you know.
Sometimes loving my community means stepping away for a little while so I can take care of myself.
Because I am learning that I cannot pour from an empty cup.
So if today is one of those days where I’m quiet…
I’m probably curled up somewhere, resting my brain and my body.
And I hope you’ll understand.
Tomorrow might be different.
Maybe I’ll have more energy.
Maybe I’ll be back in the kitchen.
Maybe I’ll be laughing and making videos again.
And when I am…
I’ll be grateful.
Because epilepsy has taught me not to take the “normal” days for granted.
A seizure-free day is something to be thankful for.
But sometimes, even a seizure-free day can leave me completely exhausted.
That’s the part of epilepsy you don’t see.
And that’s the part I want people to understand. 💜🧠
Thank you for giving me grace on the days when I don’t have anything left to give.
Thank you for staying.
Thank you for understanding.
And most of all…
thank you for loving me through all of it. ❤️
Love,
Rikki
Blue Collar Chef 👩🍳 ❤️
