09/08/2026
I asked doctors to make sure I could never get pregnant. They refused because I was "too young" and because a future man might want children.
Years later, I was sitting in another medical office after they had finally removed my womb, staring at the irony of it.
Now they believed me.
But there was already a four-year-old girl at home calling me Mom.
And almost every day, a thought I am ashamed to admit still crosses my mind:
I wish I had never become a mother.
I had known for years that I didn't want children. It wasn't a phase. It wasn't fear of responsibility. I simply knew motherhood wasn't the life I wanted.
I took the strongest contraception I could because I was terrified of getting pregnant. I even asked for permanent sterilization.
The answer was no.
I was too young, they told me.
What if I changed my mind?
What if the man I eventually married wanted children?
Apparently, the wishes of a man I hadn't even met yet mattered more than the answer I was giving them while sitting right in front of them.
Then, when I was 28, I met someone.
We connected quickly. Three months into the relationship, despite everything I had done to prevent it, I found out I was pregnant.
I stared at the test until my hands started shaking.
There was no burst of happiness.
There was panic.
I went straight to my mother.
I told her I wanted an abortion.
Her answer was immediate.
"If you do that, I never want to see you again."
Then she told me she would hate me.
I was already frightened, and now I was being told that one decision could cost me my mother too.
So I continued the pregnancy.
Everyone had stories for me.
"You'll understand when she's born."
"The love will come naturally."
"The second they put that baby in your arms, everything changes."
I wanted desperately for them to be right.
Instead, I spent the pregnancy depressed and terrified.
I even started therapy because one fear kept following me into every appointment: What if the baby arrived and I still didn't feel like a mother?
Then my daughter was born.
People had promised joy.
What I felt was fear.
My first clear thought was not, "She's perfect."
It was:
"What am I going to do now?"
She cried constantly from the beginning. Some days it felt as if the crying filled almost every waking hour.
When she finally became quiet, I couldn't relax.
I would tense at the smallest sound, waiting for the crying to begin again.
My body seemed permanently trapped in alarm.
I stopped recognizing myself.
The stress followed me everywhere. Over the years, I gained around 40 kilograms. Mirrors became another thing I avoided.
And the guilt grew beside the resentment.
Because my daughter hadn't made any of these decisions.
She hadn't refused my request for sterilization.
She hadn't threatened to abandon me if I ended the pregnancy.
She hadn't promised me that motherhood would magically transform me.
She was simply a child.
But knowing that intellectually didn't make the feelings disappear.
Now she is four.
She's loud. She cries easily. She wakes us early. She can become furious over things that seem tiny to an adult.
Her father and I are still together, and we try to be consistent and firm with her.
From the outside, we probably look like an ordinary family dealing with an intense preschooler.
Inside my head, there is another life running beside this one.
The life I thought I would have.
The life without motherhood.
I kept going to therapy from the pregnancy onward because I wanted someone to help me find the feeling everyone insisted must be hiding somewhere inside me.
Six months ago, that therapy ended.
I still don't feel the way I thought a mother was supposed to feel.
Some days, I'm not even sure I want to.
Then came the final medical irony.
After years of being told that I might change my mind about children, my womb was eventually removed.
Suddenly, there was no lecture about a hypothetical future man.
No one needed me to imagine children I might someday want.
The permanence I had asked for years earlier was finally real.
Only now, I already had a daughter.
I went home afterward carrying years of anger I didn't know where to put.
Then I did something I had never done before.
I pulled out the old medical paperwork I had kept from the years before my pregnancy.
Appointment notes. Referrals. Contraception discussions. Pages I had barely looked at when they were first handed to me.
I sat at the kitchen table after everyone had gone to bed and started reading.
Then I reached the record from the appointment where I had asked to make motherhood impossible.
I stopped.
There it was again—the reason my younger self had been told no.
And beneath it was a sentence that made me grip the edge of the table so hard my fingers hurt.
Because for the first time, I wasn't looking at my life as one terrible decision.
I was looking at every moment when I had clearly said what I wanted—and at who had decided they knew better.