08/04/2025
In a draughty old castle where cobwebs played tag with the wind, a fairy with a tape measure and a handy bloke with a hammer decided to redo the kitchen floor.
The floor was stone — ancient, cold, and about as cleanable as a mountain goat’s armpit.
The fairy snapped her tape measure like a whip and nearly took out a passing ghost-knight.
"Righto, 7.5 metres of medieval misery," she announced, like a tradie with a clipboard and no soul.
The handyman eyed the stone, then the lino, then the stone again — "We’ll need plywood, mate."
With a wink, the fairy turned some cobwebs into three sheets of slightly haunted plywood.
They laid it down, but it creaked like a pensioner’s knees in winter.
"Not plywood — bloody poltergeist percussion!" the handyman muttered, whacking it with his thong (the footwear, calm down).
The fairy unrolled the lino like it was a royal carpet for the Queen’s corgi parade.
It rustled like a snack wrapper in a cinema.
"Slippery as a greased wombat," the handyman said, hitting the floor more times than a beginner on rollerblades.
The ghosts complained about the glue smell, so the fairy sprayed ‘Spring Shock’ air freshener into the ether.
The ghost-king floated in, saw the shine, and teared up: "My castle’s finally influencer-ready!"
The fairy swept the corners with a broom that may or may not have been her ex-boyfriend.
The handyman, exhausted, flopped down on the lino and decided this was comfier than his swag.
Before leaving, they slapped on a sticker: "Made by Fairytale an Mr Fixit"
Even the castle cat stopped sulking and slid across the floor like a furry curling stone.
"At least now you can clean it without sacrificing a goat," said the fairy, smug as a possum in a pantry.
The handyman nodded. "And you can dance on it, too."
Then they both did the splits right there on the new floor — ‘cause in the land of magic and makeovers, anything’s bloody possible.