27/04/2020
Good Morning my fellow Berwickers!
The creative team at Michael Yule Painter and Decorators have got a treat for you today. Since we can’t be out there wowing you with our painting prowess we thought we’d wow you with an adaptation of this famous Eminem song.
It’s a long one - but absolutely worth it.....
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*To the tune of Stan by Eminem*
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
Big Beakles cleaning all my windows
I hope he doesn’t fall,
And even if I could I’d go to work,
I wanna paper all your walls,
It reminds me, Gotta call my Gran, call my gran.
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Haven’t had a bowl cut yet,
The morning pain clouds up my vision
Coz I can't paint at all,
And even if I could just get out the house
To put my paper on your wall,
It reminds me, gotta wash my van, wash my van.
Dear MJY, I wrote you but still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my pager, and my Tinder profile at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, Clarity must of ate ‘em,
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin'
Sometimes I make mistakes, just like you with Katie,
But anyways, f**k it, what's been up? Man how's your family?
I’m pregnant now, I'm 'bout to be a mother
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?
I'ma name her Dinky,
I read about your doag Sasha too I'm sorry,
I had a friends doag covie too, got hit by just eat van,
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the boxers you left, the last time you were at my pad,
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the s**t you did with blackjack too, that s**t was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Mandy.
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
Irene’s got Ceefax on see-through
But covid does not fall,
And even if I could I’d go to work,
I wanna paper all your walls,
It reminds me, gotta call My Gran, call my gran,
Dear MJY, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad, I just think it's f**ked you don't answer old birds
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside marks and Spencer’s
You didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Ma laddie
That's my little son min, he's only 36 years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you
For four hours and you just said, "Eh”
That's pretty s**tty son, you're like his f**kin' idol
He wants to be just like you son, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met in Bedrocks, you said if I'd write you you would write back
See I'm just like you in a way
I never knew you were a stalker either,
I used to always cheat on gadgies and leave them,
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
So when I have a s**tty day, I drift away and put 'em on
'Cause I don't really got s**t else so that s**t helps when I'm depressed
I even got a chain like yours draped across my chest
Sometimes I sniff your terps to see how high I get,
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
My husband’s jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7
But he don't know you like I know you Michael, no one does
He don't know what it was like for people like us growin' up, you gotta call me man
I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Mandy.
P.S. we should be together too (again).
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning van pulls up at Dixons, full of pies and bread,
And even if I could I’d work today
I’d love to paint your walls
It reminds me, gotta cook my flan, cook my flan.
Dear Yulers "I'm Too Good To Call Or Write My Fans"
This will be the last tinder message I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word, I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, the postie delivered 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the mad mile,
Hey Shan fringe, I drank a fifth of vodka
You dare me to drive?
You know the song by Roger West, "In the Air of the Night"
About that chavvy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
But didn't, then Roger saw it all, then at a a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I love you MJY, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me
See Mike, shut up son! I'm tryin' to talk!
Hey Mike, that's my hubby screamin' in the boot,
But I didn't slit his throat, I just tied him up, see I ain't like you
'Cause if he suffocates he’ll Suffer more, and then he’ll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh s**t, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this s**t out?
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
All these girls clog up my newsfeed, I don’t know who they are,
And even if I could I’d reply to them,
I’d love to paint your wall,
It reminds me, gotta walk my doag, walk my doag.
Dear Mandy, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said you are pregnant now, how far along are you?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your lassie that
And here's an autograph for your laddie,
I wrote it on the Dulux cap,
I'm sorry I didn't see you at m&s , I must of missed you
Don't think I did that s**t intentionally just to diss you
But what's this s**t you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that s**t just clownin' hen, come on, how f**ked up are you?
You got some issues Mandy, I think you need a chinkey,
To help your ass from bouncing off Berwick walls when you get down some
And what's this s**t about us meant to be together?
It was gash the first time, we really shouldn’t meet each another,
I really think you and your husband need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat him better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be d
If you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Mandy
Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I’m tinders biggest prize,
I just don't want you to do some crazy s**t
I seen this one s**t in the ‘Tizer couple weeks ago that made me bowk,
Some manashee was blitzed and drove her car over a bridge
And had her chavvy in the boot, and she was up the duff with his kid
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, her name was, it was you
Damn!
