18/04/2020
HOW TO ENGAGE THE SERVICES OF A ELECTRICIAN
- Call the electrician after lunch on friday or before a public holiday weekend.
- Hassle him/her to fit you in.
- Estimate the time and ease of job (we like that). Explain that it is a five minute job that you could do yourself if “only you had the time.”
- Negotiate the smallest most inconvenient window of booking opportunity. "I have to go to the gym" / “I’m at work till 8pm” or some other more-important engagement than your non-working lighting, will smooth this over.
- Ask for a fixed price (even if its an unknown fault/ tripping RCD). When the electrician refuses to be nailed down, some jovial comment like “I should have been a electrician” will keep the negotiation nice and light.
- Tell them that you will run it by your wife and call back in five (5 days usually)
- Call ten other electricians and then phone back. If he answers the phone again and arrives on-time as agreed, be sure to be in the shower or on the way home.
- Show him the job which does not vaguely resemble what you described.
- Ask him to move his van. Someone needs to get their car out and it clearly can't wait “five minutes”.
- Show them where the problem is. Explain how you cant find the key to the side gate and they will have to lug their equipment around.
- Now is probably a good time to point out that the problem appeared on Monday - it’s now Friday
- Lie, tell the spark you didn’t install that s**t light fitting you picked up from IKEA which stays permanently on, even though the box for it is still in the corner of the room. “It was working fine until this morning”
- Share your half cocked theory on what is going on. (“Fault on the lighting ring” perhaps?)
- Embark on a long winded story involving names of people they could not give a toss about, and every completely unrelated event leading to this moment in time.
- Apologise for the 20 years worth of shoes & unused s**te dumped under the stairs, where they will be working. Explain how it is someone else’s fault, this will make it more palatable.
- Tell them one of your close relatives was a electrician (he will be extremely interested and it will create a sense of kinship between you).
- Explain that you would be quite capable of doing the job and that you have done heaps of electrical work in the past (he will love to hear that his knowledge, skills and necessary equipment amount to being a glorified handyman).
- Tell them that normally you use a different electrician but he was not answering his phone.
- Wait until they've nearly finished and ask if there's time to embark on the dreaded “Can you take a look at this for me”. There are no sweeter words on a Friday afternoon at 3 pm than “while I’ve got you here”
- Watch the electrician closely. The electrical skills you gleaned from your family member will place you well to critique his every action.
- Pull out some parts you picked up from B&Q 10 years ago. (No sense wasting huh?)
- Keep locking the front door. It may be a minor inconvenience for the electrician to keep having to ask you to unlock it whenever he needs to go to his van, but home invasions are on the rise.
- Grill the electrician over why he has to leave site to pick up parts for your Cheap Chinese consumer unit That you “got a great deal on” & got Derek from the pub to fit.
- Complain about the invoice and whinge to all your mates about the electricians price and unpleasant demeanour.
- Call a week later and say “Ever since you were here, the refrigerator light isn’t coming on”
- Expect the electrician to drop everything and be with you immediately only for you to take almost a month to pay a £70 invoice.
-Explain how your uncle Barry once changed a light switch and the electric “threw” him across the room
-At the start of a consumer unit upgrade, ask how long the electric will be off for as you have a “conference call” with work and need the WiFi for 9.30am
- When the electrician arrives to provide a quote be sure to ask him to remove his footwear, even though your carpet is dirtier than Katie Price after a gram of coke, This will automatically add 20% onto your Estimate.
-When the electrician has finished the works at your 500k 5 bedroom house with a polished ‘21 plate, 70k BMW on the drive - be sure to ask for a discount. NO problem sir!! You’re obviously a bit skint.
- Tell the electrician you were thinking of doing an electrical course last year as it’s easy money “i can become a qualified spark in 3 weeks for 2k”
- Agree a discount for cash with the electrician and at the end of the job ask for an invoice and bank details.
- Ask the electrician if there ok with dogs, as you are trying to hold back a 4ft tall Alsatian that’s foaming at the mouth “Don’t worry she’s really soft/doesn’t bite”
- Get a price of £20 from a Handyman off a Facebook selling page to install your new cooker - ask the electrician if they can do it cheaper.
