14/07/2025
This letter is for my family and my friends, and for anyone who should find it helpful in some way to read it.
I have kept this to myself because I have been internalising and trying to focus on everything going as smoothly as possible, and I didn’t want anything to go wrong. Today I had a 90 minute assessment with a psychiatrist specialising particularly in the fields of Autism and ADHD for Autism. The assessment went well and I have been formally diagnosed with Autism, as I expected to be.
I want to start off first and foremost by saying thank you to my mum because without her none of this would have been possible, and particularly my journey to the self awareness of realising that the reason why I was different was because I am autistic, would never have been possible. My mum did everything that she possibly could to get me diagnosed with autism when I was a child but unfortunately she was hamstrung by an outdated healthcare system, and also psychiatric system too, who not only had a very stereotypical understanding and narrow minded criteria of what Autism is, but also more importantly failed to recognise and understand the significant dangers of Autistic masking.
By not receiving a diagnosis for Autism when I was a child it meant that I masked, or try to mask unsuccessfully a lot of the time, on a regular basis. This consequently meant that I got bullied at school and struggled to identify and fit in with my peers. By not receiving a diagnosis for Autism when I was a child meant that I didn’t get the vital help and support that I needed, which meant that being able to engage and identify with class engagement, and lesson plans, were extremely exhausting and emotionally debilitating for me. I had no chance.
I have always had social and communicational challenges when it comes to navigating life, and I have always struggled with being able to read social cues, understand jokes, or being able to read and understand the nuances of conversation, unless it is explained to me literally, and even then it can be a challenge sometimes to understand. I have always had my special interests and fixations, I have always stimmed and I have always had meltdowns. These things will always be a part of me and in a way I am proud that they will always be a part of me because they have helped shape the person that I am today.
Today is a massive day for me and a victory for not only myself, but also for my mum too because she fought so hard to get me the help and support that I needed, but unfortunately twenty five years ago when I was ten the system was such that it was outdated and very stereotyped, much the same as today. That’s why when people speak of our great NHS, and whilst that might be true in some respects, it also fails a lot of people as well, particularly neurodivergent people and Autistic people specifically. I am very privileged and fortunate that without having the money to fund an assessment for diagnosis privately, I would not have been able to get a diagnosis for my Autism, or certainly it would have been much harder.
Some of you may have seen my business posts and know me as Natalie the Autistic Gardener. I have to be honest and say that prior to this diagnosis today I had been self diagnosing as Autistic for several years. It is important to understand that self diagnosis for Autism is one hundred percent valid. It’s valid because anyone who has self diagnosed for Autism has done so having done years of research and potentially trying to connect with other people who are neurodivergent too. They also will more than likely have been studying the diagnostic criteria for Autism, researching Autism for years, and then linking it back to their own experiences and different situations throughout their whole life, all the way up until the present.
No one with Autism self diagnoses because they are copying anything or pretending. They are self diagnosing because they are living it and continue to live it everyday. I branded myself as Natalie the Autistic Gardener so that I was able to spread awareness about Autism, and also my Autism too, and so that I was able to create an understanding with my clients of all of the different challenges that I face living with my Autism. I have days where I struggle to function and complete basic tasks for myself, and I have other days where I am completely energetic and able to function much better. It’s a sliding scale and it’s important to understand that Autism is not a specific and rigid concept. Most of Autism is beneath the surface bubbling away, most of Autism isn’t visible.
If I had been diagnosed when I was a child it would have been life changing for me in the sense that it would have meant that I would have more than likely been able to get the help and support that I needed back then. It’s important for all of us to research Neurodivergence and particularly conditions such as Autism and ADHD, so that we are all able to gain a better understanding of the nuances and complex challenges of conditions such as these, and ultimately help make our world a better and more friendly, and kind place to live in. The difference between me getting diagnosed as an adult compared to if I had done all of those years ago as a child, whilst it is never too late, has certainly played a huge impact on my life, and has made everything that much more challenging, and had I not naturally been so self aware and instinctive then I may never have been able to successfully make that journey in the first place.
Getting my diagnosis for Autism today has made me realise the power that lies in the hands of a psychiatrist. Their diagnosis or lack of a diagnosis as it was for me all of those years ago, potentially has the power to make or break a persons life. It didn’t break my life fortunately but it made navigating life for me all of that much more challenging. Sensory overload and what that represents for me is something that I have only been able to fully process and get to grips with very recently, in terms of the impact that it has had on me throughout my entire life when it comes to having meltdowns. The ability to completely meltdown without understanding why or having the ability to recognise the build up is something that only an Autistic Person would be able to relate to.
My overriding emotions are relief that it is finally all over. I have it in black and white now. I have it in writing and confirmed to me something that I have always known deep down within my soul, that I am Autistic. And I am proud of that.
My next plan of action will be once I have been sent through the diagnosis to then take it to my Mum in the care home that she is in. My mum is nearly 60 and she is as beautiful a soul as she always has been, both inside and out. Because this is not just a victory for me but it is a victory for my Mum too. Mum’s know the truth and they recognise the struggle even when nobody else is able to recognise. Their awareness and understanding is like nothing that could ever be rivalled. I want to show her this and thank her for fighting as only a mother could for me because she deserves to know that all of her efforts all of those years ago were never in vain, and that all of the years of pain, and meltdowns, and struggle, were all worth it in the end.
Mum this one is for you, for both of us, and I will love you always and forever. Bless you. xx
