28/05/2026
BREAKING NEWS: Me and the Arken family are about to walk 18 miles across 10 hills for charity, because apparently donating money normally wasn’t dramatic enough.
Right now everyone’s feeling positive and inspirational.
By hill number 3, we’ll be questioning our life choices.
By hill number 6, someone will be pretending they’ve “pulled a muscle” just to get a lift home.
By hill number 9, Doug will be receiving spiritual guidance from a sheep.
We are excited now, but we fully expect some to become striking workers demanding snacks, better conditions, and immediate rescue by mile 4.
At some point somebody will definitely say:
“This is such an amazing experience.”
…while breathing like an asthmatic accordion.
We’re doing it all for a great cause though, so every blister, ache, and dramatic collapse into a hedge will be worth it.
If you see the Arken family crawling across the final hill smelling like deep heat and regret, just know:
it’s charity.
It’s courage.
It’s confusion.
…………….And it’s definitely not happening again anytime soon.
