25/05/2023
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Last year my life took a turn from around July time when someone broke my jaw. It made me realise the only time I take off work is when I’m hospitalised. I spend all week and weekends working and having no time to actually enjoy life.
It got worse from there. I’ve moved house three times in just over a year, I became very unsettled. I’m not good with change and trying to do this whilst working was too overwhelming.
November came and I went on holiday, again it didn’t end well for me. I had my plane ticket taken off me and I was going to be left in America by myself.
Coming back off holiday period and I’m looking at moving house again. Not something I want to air out on social media so I won’t but February came and that house went along with the memories that still scar me today.
January, George went for his knee operation so he’s out of action. The realisation of him not being around whilst I was going through hell broke me. I had no one to talk to at work. From there my mental health has spiralled out of control.
I’m breaking down on a daily basis, I’m not sleeping at night. I take sleeping tablets and feel worse in the morning. I wake up but my body doesn’t want to get out of bed.
Spring arrives and suddenly everyone needs me back in their garden. George is still off sick. Days are getting longer so I’m trying to keep everyone happy. Im working weekends till 8/9pm
My van breaks down, my mower starts playing up. I thought I cracked my ribs so I’m struggling to work.
I am currently going round in a viscous cycle of not being able to sleep because I have so much worry. I am still trying to get over what I’ve been through with an ex partner. I worry about if I’m going to be able to visit everyone scheduled for the day. I’m worried about letting people down. I don’t want to get rid of any clients because again, I don’t want to be a let down.
Im not going to sleep till 3am every night. I then wake up late and still try and get round to everyone to keep others happy but I’m not happy in myself.
I get people asking if I’m going to them. I then get messages to say they are disappointed that I haven’t turned up.
I am a people pleaser so I have no boundaries, I’ve tried putting boundaries in by limiting myself to how long I work and taking weekends off to try and help myself get back to a better place but no one sees that. All they see is their garden hasn’t been done and it’s all on me.
I struggle to go to the gym. That is the single most biggest thing that kept me in check Since the age of 17 I used to work out 4/5 times a week. I don’t go atall anymore. That once was my happy place. I’ve lost that happy place because I’m putting everyone else before me.
So I do apologise for not being as reliable as I was before, I’ve tried getting back into being a happy normal functioning person but with all this work and worry I can’t get back to that place. I have started letting clients down and telling them I can’t do it anymore, I’ve had clients tell me they are going to look for a new gardener. Please do because after ten years of running my business I’m at the point of giving it all up.
I need to focus on getting me back to a happy place because when you spend everyday wishing you weren’t here. It gets real f****ing tiring and it’s not something I can do to the people that actually love and care for me.
I am also sorry for everyone that has messaged and I’ve been slow to reply or haven’t opened your messages at all. I don’t have the energy to even look right now. If you do need me the best thing to do is call me.
