08/09/2024
Top Ten Ways to Kill a Tree 🌳
1. Plant Low
– Bury the root crown below grade to slowly suffocate your tree, setting it on a course for slow decline.
2. Plant in Summer
– Plant during the hottest months to guarantee stress and transplant shock.
3. Strangle it with Stakes
– Tie those stakes as tight as you can! Damaging the trunk and cutting off vascular function is sure to girdle your tree in no time.
4. Choose the Biggest Tree You Can Find
– Opt for a large tree with an imbalanced shoot-to-root ratio, and watch it struggle to establish itself for years to come.
5. Create a Mulch Volcano
– Pile mulch against the trunk to try to trap moisture and instead you’ll find some dysfunctional wood.
6. Plant on a Hilltop
– Water runs away, leaving roots gasping for hydration. Why not make things hard from the start?
7. Water Whenever
– Inconsistent watering ensures root disruption and stress. Dysfunction and bad fungi love this erratic routine!
8. Think Food Feeds It
– Fertilize a stressed or newly planted tree to add to its troubles. Just remember, feeding it will surely finish it off!
9. Give it A Good Rejuvenation Cut
– Over-prune the tree to remove biomass, disrupting its balance and vitality. Removing the tree's last gasp and you’ll be sure it’s on its way out.
10. Dig a Small Hole in Clay Soil
– Don’t bother with proper soil preparation. A small hole in compacted clay is a surefire way to make your tree's life short.
And once you’ve done all this, go ahead and bury it.
Because after all, it’s just a tree,
and supposed to grow,
isn't it? 🌿
