04/13/2025
It’s funny as we get older how much we analyze & reflect on life more & how each decade you can pinpoint your exact feelings, memories in those moments.
It’s been an uphill climb overcoming past family & relationship trauma; some days harder than others & some days at my lowest & most unambitious. But there’s been a LOT of growth, a LOT of self-discovery, a LOT more meaning to life.
As I come around the corner to 45 (omfg 😭) it’s taken a lot of patience, grace, & understanding within not only myself but also by the support of a man who truly loves me. We are literally working through our pasts together, as a team. Sometimes I feel like my team is a ‘40s German Army, but hey, we are trying! There are still icky trauma responses & pre-filled responses to situations; I can see them in myself & recognize them — I think that’s really important when you’re healing. It isn’t linear; it’s daily progression & work you put into it through the ebbs & flows life puts in your path.
Peace & calmness progress a little more each year, & I am so so happy this is MY chapter; one to be happy in & proud of. This is MY family. Blood or not — none of that matters anymore.
The parent is always the parent, the child is always the child. I am so fortunate & grateful I gained the opportunity to make the memories I always deserved with Cooper as my own, & give him all the love I never got — unconditionally. He will always be safe, & he will always be able to count on me. He will never have to worry; he will always have a place to call home & will never have to question or wonder if he is loved or can trust me. He will never have to ask when or if Mom or Dad is coming back, or wonder if we care more about ourselves than him. He will never have to fear for his safety under the care of his parents friends or significant others —- let’s be real, if anyone were to ever even consider harming Cooper, I would be right there with Dad listening to Em & peeling the fle$h from their bone$ with a smile & if it involved Mom’s s/o, 🔁😂. He will be raised under our roof seeing what it looks like having two parents who love each other in a calm, lighthearted, & happy environment. Intentionally, he will never spend the first half of his life recovering FROM his environment.
Realistically, if I’m fortunate, life is half over for me now. Time is racing — starting this life with my boys, my two best friends & all these damn cats that I love dearly — feels like yesterday. And it isn’t going to slow down. In fact, it’s inly going to speed up from here. But I’m making it count, & I LOVE it here. 🥹🖤
Life is soooo funny.
I used to tell my Grandma Connie all of my good memories & my favorite ones had her in them. She was the only one I could ever truly trust & count on without a shadow of a doubt. She always loved & with her I was safe. That was a part of her legacy. With Kyle & I both moving to Oakland & finishing HS there, life bringing us bsck there recently, creating new bonds— (if you would have told me 27 years ago Jared would one day be my family & I’d love spending time with him & his family I probably would have laughed & told you you were berserk. 😂 Love you guys!! Hillary) to going to the same University — & now I am HERE? Doing all the the things that I love, & I am safe — what I am saying is I just really thought my life was all planned out & I was trapped in my path & decisions & now here we are. It’s just funNNNY!
Don’t even get me started on the noticing of patterns in the universe & matrix glitches. That’s a conversation for the podcast, Bubbyz. Music is such a huge part of out lives. Sometimes the circles intersect, but generally our vibes are polar opposite. Oddly enough, he & I have never gone to a show together (that wasn’t “allowed” 😂) He is meeting my hubby & I for my birthday cellies 🎉 to see Zellie & Yanik.
Respond to the SnapChat, if you want to crowd surf in a mosh pit on a Wednesday night, go crowd surf in a mosh pit on a Wednesday night. Advice: Hotel after party kit now includes XL fleece heating pad, tylenol, massage gun, magnesium & melatonin with a chilled sparkling mineral water followed by raccoon-style room service. Let go of who didn’t deserve you, & create your authentic life. 🖤 Kyle Thank you for giving me a chance at happiness. Felt like a lifetime getting here, but I’m so happy it did. Plus in reality I had to wait for you to grow up. Uhmahgud 🫣😖
Love my people! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk! Now go live & thrive in your own little bubble that is your teeny little portion of life on this rock. Put the phone down (in a second, f**k—I’m almost doneee). Stop scrolling. It’s a pointless, waste of time & ignorant distraction. Using your energy to loathe & complain is so silly. It’s funny— but in a haha funny, you’re a dumb dumb & I feel sorry for you sort of way. It doesnt matter, none of this does. 😂Shut the tiny computer off & love your short little time here, boos. You don’t need likes or approval. 🤳 it’s not about things, status, or image. Don’t like something, re-write the paragraph. If they treat your loving soul miserably, let them goooo. Not later, NOW. But nothin’. Let them. Go through your bu****it, heal & move on. Leave that ish behind you. Go make art, read a book, learn something you’ve always wanted to know how to do, climb a fu**in rock, or go donate time at your local animal shelter or — be REALLY silly — bring home another abandoned kitty. Fuggit! 🐈⬛
Love YOUR life & make the ones that inspired & loved YOU, proud. That’s the 𝓛𝓮𝓰𝓪𝓬𝔂 I want to leave behind. And dammit, just BE yourSELF. Not the watered down bu****it version you think people want to see or that fits in. The weird little quirkies that give you the cringies & tummy troubles are actually what make you great (unless you’re an annoying whiny self-entitled little c*nt).
😘✨🤘🖤
Thanks to:
Lorna Shore Kublai Khan TXOImminencetATTILAoPaleface.Nathan JameseThe Amity Affliction The Ghost InsideeAfter The Burial YelaWolf Joe RogandA Day To RememberyAsking AlexandriaFTHE PLOT IN YOUeEmmureMachine Gun KellyeBlack Veil BrideseBeartooth LANDMVRKS WhitechapelnMotionless In WhiteqTravis BarkergiHighly Suspect & all of those we will soon cross off the list — for the kickass memories of a lifetime & giving us an outlet & the lyrics that understand the dark depths of our beautiful souls. 🐦⬛ 🥀
