06/03/2026
HELP!! SPIDER PLANT IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY COUCH ( And possibly my life )
So, I’ve officially lost the war on spider plant.
One of its dumb little offspring has decided that the seams of my leather couch are prime real estate and has been happily growing there for God knows how long. I’ve pulled with ally might and main, and even offered it a cash bribe, but it’s firmly lodged in its cozy little hideaway.
How is this even possible? No water, no nutrients, just a cozy couch I picked up on the side of the road! Is she secretly trying to grow inside of me? Am I going to wake up one night to a full-blown plant runner launching down my throat like some bizarre horror flick starring yours truly?
Honestly, this plant has always been a bit creepy. Its incessant need to reproduce feels like it’s judging my own lack of productivity. I’m sitting there watching YouTube shorts while it’s out here trying to take over the world, one spooder at a time.
I honestly feel like I'm experiencing the beginnings of a planty apocalypse. And what better way to bring about the downfall of man than the purchase of a common perennial, made out of desperation to fill the void my husband left inside my heart when he wasn’t paying enough attention to me that one time. How the Lowes clearance rack beckoned.
And now I look where I am. I can already picture it: my landlord pounding on my door, expecting rent. Instead, he’s greeted by a jungle that rivals the Amazon, and a note on the boarded-up door that reads, “DO NOT ENTER, PLANT INSIDE.” He’ll probably ignore it because, you know, landlords can’t read, and boom! Planty apocalypse commences.
Anyways, I'm probably just gonna leave it there for now cause looking at it for too long makes me nauseous. Let me know if there's anyway I can extract it that won't evoke it's planty wrath or scuff my precious couch cuz this was honestly such a sweet find.
