04/15/2022
Finding beauty in the things you never imagine
She is tall, lean and fierce.
She is successful; professionally, financially and personally.
Through it all, running has been her solace.
Running helped her survive a tumultuous childhood;
It carried her through the difficulties of medical school;
It remains her escape, her oxygen.
She sets goals. She challenges herself. She pushes the limits of her body and mind.
She enters marathons and triathlons; they calm her nerves and restores her soul.
Three days after completing her first Boston marathon, the doctors confirmed a cancer diagnosis.
They would start by removing her breasts. As the doctor mumbled about surgery, she began grieving for the body God had blessed her with.
The process was cruel, her body was devastated. More than a year of chemo, radiation and surgeries. As she stood before the mirror, she did not recognize her frail body. Her hair, breasts and energy were gone. She longed for a run, but could barely stand.
She set small goals; crying through them, but promised herself she would:
Walk to the [damn] bathroom BY HERSELF.
Walk ALL THE WAY to the mailbox. When they bought this house, she had cussed about how short the driveway was. Now, she celebrates the ability to navigate it without help.
A walk around the entire block, one quarter mile at a snail’s pace. So proud of herself.
Two years after they took her breasts, her strength was returning, and she was walking three miles a day. Her hair had grown back, and, her reconstruction date had finally arrived!
Sitting in the surgeon’s office she replayed the journey that brought her to this day. As she examined her different ‘size’ options, she realized she hadn’t worn under wire in two years. She’d spent decades wearing two bras and a compression garment to protect the girls during runs. Even with strap guards, her shoulders bled from the weight of her breasts. In warm months the wire support left a heat rash so extensive she used burn cream to heal her skin.
As she turned to face the plastic surgeon, she caught her reflection in the window. She loved her new short bob, and the shape of her body was beautiful the way it was. Months of longing to return to her old shape, and suddenly she felt complete peace with where she was. She wouldn’t have chosen this road, yet here she was, excited about her life with new small ‘run-easy’ breasts.
Three years have passed since she first heard the “C” word. She and her husband sold the huge house they thought they wanted and purchased the beach home their hearts needed. Their mornings include a jog on the beach, and afternoons are spent with patients, she thought she’d never see again.
Before the big “C”, she and her husband had wanted a dog, but knew they didn’t have the time to give. Now, they foster senior dogs, partly because they understand how quickly life can change, partly because they know the dogs have gone through a similar grief… a life changed without their permission.
She is happy.
She is whole.
She is blessed.
I’m asked all the time,
“What was it like to go in to people’s houses? What kinds of things did you see?”
T H I S is what it was like.
I was invited in to homes for a brief moment. To do my best work, I had to understand each person’s journey. I believe I created places people loved, but I hope I also gave them a place to feel safe, to love, to learn, to grieve and to let go. As I stepped away, I carried people’s life stories in my heart. They are raw and beautiful and forever change who I am.
Behind every front door is a complicated life being navigated, reborn, reconstructed. I pray you have everything your heart has ever wanted. And, if something derails your journey, I pray you find beauty in the things you never imagined.
